In life we find happiness in unexpected places. The universe throws us situations that will eventually lead us to what we define as “home”, which in my opinion is a feeling, not a person or a place. I’ve spent the last several years of my life always so preoccupied with what my next step would be, that I never really lived in the present. Ever. I was so career focused, and always wanted to be on top, always wondering what my next step would be, and ended up obsessing over it and letting it control my life, even my relationships. Always wondering where my next move would be. I spent years in conflict over what city I should live in, so that I had a plan for how I wanted my future to look like. I loved Miami, but was in constant conflict as to if I should move back to Boston. Little did I know, I’ve always been exactly where I’m meant to be. It’s funny because at multiple different times, I met amazing guys through out my traveling, that I eventually pushed away because I lived in Miami, and they lived elsewhere. I wanted to plan and think logically, and looking back on this now, in the end, those things didn’t even matter. And I lost out on several great guys because of my not living in the present mentality. It’s funny, because one of them was a really great talker and writer. I tried to get him to help me with my maid of honor speech at my best friend’s wedding. Little did I know, I was the one with the hidden writing talent. Ha! Thanks, Lymphoma.
So the universe and cancer have taught me that we can’t predict the future, and as much as we want to plan ahead, we can’t. Look where I am now! I could have never predicted this to happen. Cancer has taught me what’s important, and how to live. How to actually live in the now and go with the flow, and just not care and not overthink. And as bad as it seems now, it will teach you the same thing. You never really know how to live until you face something like this, and realize that tomorrow is never promised, for any of us.
This all reminds me of someone that will always hold a special place in my heart. He was always the same way, could never really live in the present, always focused on the next move, where he was going next, and how he would get ahead and get there. He was always so confused, that he made me confused. Being that this person was my best friend at one point in my life, I used to hold this against him so much, because it made him seem like an opportunist. Deep down inside, he was a great person, but he was lost. He was exactly like me in that sense. So focused on being lost, that it’s all he could be. And knowing him so well, he probably still is.
I just want to tell you that success is important. Your career is important. But they aren’t everything. Money isn’t everything. If you don’t have your health, you truly have nothing. And if you don’t develop meaningful relationships with people, who’s going to help you pick up all of your broken pieces when things go wrong? You can’t do it on your own. And unless you can truly be happy and live in the present, can you even say that you’re actually living? Family is important. Friends are important. It’s important to develop meaningful relationships. It’s important to develop meaningful experiences. Actually living is important, and not worrying about tomorrow. Eye opening situations will eventually guide you home. I hope that my situation and how my life changed in the blink of an eye helps guide you home, whatever your home may be.
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