Radiation. It’s used to treat cancer with high energy waves to kill your tumors. In my case, areas are being treated, rather than the exact tumors. So, my neck, chest, abdomen, and spleen are being treated. Before treatment, you go through CT simulation, where your team makes you a mask that covers your head and neck, and determines which areas will be treated. When you begin radiation, you and your mask are strapped on to a table, so that you can’t move. In English, this all basically means that your doctor is burning the crap out of your body in hopes of the cancer going away. And believe me, this better work because I really do feel my body burning after. Haha! I just left radiation and my throat and chest are literally still burning. Major hashtag f*ck cancer moment right now.
My first radiation was a big WTF moment for me, being strapped onto a table, with the mask hurting like heck, so in my case, I couldn’t breathe out of my mouth, only nose. When you’re in there, you don’t feel a thing. You just hear noises, and see a machine rotating around you, that looks like a space ship. The trippy thing is that you can’t move, and are stuck there for 45 minutes to an hour. So, you end up contemplating life and how your entire body is literally being burned at 29, that’s fine. Chemo is a bitch, but for me, radiation was worse at first. It’s not so much the radiation. I can handle the nausea, the fatigue, the vomiting, and having it feel like my chest is on fire. I’ve already been through hell and I’m strong, so I know what it feels like. It’s more of the mental aspect of having to sit there in silence for an hour every single day, wondering if the treatment is going to work, and counting down the days until it’s over and until I can begin chemo again. (Seriously who gets excited for chemo!? This chick apparently) It’s the uncertainty that messes you up the most.
The most important thing to tell yourself during this journey, is that God NEVER gives you more than you can handle. EVER. All of those moments in life where you didn’t think that you would make it through, you made it through. You can ask “why me?” every day of your treatment, I do it occasionally too. But then I realize..why not me? It’s hard as hell, but I can handle it. God doesn’t give Cancer or hardships to WEAK people, simply because they cannot handle it. Cancer fighters and survivors are some of the most dangerous people out there, because they know deep down that they can survive. Every single person that I know who is currently fighting cancer or has fought cancer just has a different swagger about them. (Sorry, I hate that word but can’t think of a different one, chemo brain!) Not even just cancer, but people who have faced hardships in general. I don’t know one person who is a single mom or dad, who’s been through a messy divorce, who’s lost a friend or a family member, who has a disease or illness, who had a rough childhood, that ISN’T a strong person. These are the kind of people that I look up to. The ones that simply man up and carry on. They are my motivation to man up and carry on, because playing the victim card is way too easy, and I don’t do easy. One of my close friends is a single mother of a 3 month old, and her home was robbed a few weeks ago. Not only her life, but her child’s life were ultimately put in danger. Instead of playing the pity card, she carried on like a boss. Probably because she’s one of the strongest women that I know, that’s who I look up to and who I aspire to be like. I have no desire to be whiney because of my situation and I don’t want anything handed to me. I think that this journey will make you and I ultimately stronger than we already are.
It’s hard, very hard, I’m not trying to downplay this. But at the end of the day, there’s a plan for me, my doctors have a plan. And yours most likely have a plan for you too. Whether or not it works is in god’s hands, but they have a plan. And I have a plan for myself too, whenever this is over with. My plan is to never take anything for granted. Not one thing. To live in the moment, and not worry about tomorrow..to actually LIVE. So, if you’re going through hell, keep going. It’s almost over.
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