01 Apr, 18

A cancer survivor’s life secrets, coming undone like a $2 sweater

Sit back and let me tell you a little secret about life. I don’t know what I’m doing. No one else knows what they’re doing either. Trust me, no one.

  • You’re probably freaking out that you lost so much time out of your life going through treatment. You don’t know what to do next. You feel like you should be in a different chapter of your life. I did the same thing during and after Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. FREEZE! Stop right there. This probably has a lot to do with social media. Social media allows you to portray your life however which way that you would like. You may think that everyone is out here getting married, having babies, feeling so blessed all day, ever day. False! I had a CT scan last week. I spent my weekend on a paranoid binge going through every single scenario of what could possibly go wrong. On an anxiety scale of Lavendar to Xanax, I was Xanax. I’m still currently Xanax. I will be Xanax until I receive my results. I could easily post a photo of flowers and how happy I am and fool the world, because that’s exactly what you can do on social media.

Let me tell you another little secret about life. People that have their lives together and are in happy, healthy relationships..or even content with themselves…don’t post about it on social media 24/7 ..because they don’t need reassurance!

  • I know first hand, that the majority of people raving about their relationships on social media, are the ones that need reassurance the most. They get it from social media. I personally don’t care who’s dating who and who’s #mcm is who’s, I’m just happy if my friends are (genuinely) happy, and healthy. Their relationships don’t concern me because THEY are the ones in the relationships with person x, not me. So, it doesn’t affect me. No one has a perfect life or has it all together. No one! Most definitely not me either, I’m a hot mess. But I wouldn’t have it any other way. Hashtag fact. Actually I lied, I have a #mcm, his name is Justin, my dog. My doctor is also my MCM because he kept me alive. However, if my scan is bad, he will no longer be my MCM. Jk.

Let me tell you now that if you’ve learned one thing, it should be that life is so very short. Do what you need to do, to survive and to thrive. Do whatever you want, unless it’s dangerous or illegal. I won’t tell anyone if it’s illegal though, your secrets are safe with me and my best friend. I’ll also tell you another thing, life is too short to do things that you hate. Stop doing things that you hate. Just stop, even if it’s scary, stop. 

  • I recently made the scary career move of quitting the job that I hated. I was stuck at a job that drained me and probably was the most toxic environment that I had ever been in..in my entire life. It was so bad for my life and soul. I was constantly walking on egg shells, miserable, and gossiped about by people double my age that knew nothing about me. People that I didn’t even know, were talking about me. People in upper management, and even my own manager. People that I had never said two words to. Quitting this job was one of the best, most empowering things that I’ve ever done. I moved on to an amazing company, with amazing people. Sometimes you don’t know how toxic something is to your life until you breathe fresher air.

Don’t worry about what other people are doing. Worry about why YOU are worried about what other people are doing. If something doesn’t directly affect you or your life, then don’t worry about it. The majority of the time, it will have nothing to do with you.

  • Don’t ever do the jealousy, envy stuff. I personally want the people in my circle to win. Your circle is a direct reflection of yourself, which I definitely learned quickly these past few years. If you are hanging out with floozy, low class people..that’s a reflection on you. Choose your friends wisely.

You don’t have to be friends with everyone. Seriously. You’ll realize this through treatment, but most importantly after treatment. Not everyone is your friend.

  • Some people come into your life for a certain stage that you are going through. Some people come into your life because you are actually helping them with theirs. Vibes don’t lie. Friendship is a two way street, and if someone isn’t putting the same amount of effort into a relationship, then let it go. Their effort is a direct reflection of how they feel about you, take notes, but don’t take it to heart. 

Stop putting yourself down. Stop comparing yourself to other people. Life is tough, and you’re probably doing the best that you can.

  • If you make negative comments about yourself all of the time, that negativity is going to build up, and guess what? You’re going to end up in a big pile of negativity and feeling sorry for yourself.

Money doesn’t matter. Is it nice to have money? Sure. Does it make you a better person? Absolutely not.

  • At the end of the day, our tombstones will all be in the same place, and when you’re attached to a pole of chemotherapy fighting for your life, all of the money that you were once so concerned about, will do absolutely nothing to help you. Nothing. It will mean nothing, but I’m sure going through treatment, you’ve already realized this.

Looks fade. Your identity can be easily taken from you at any given time. Be a good effing person and have something else to offer.

  • Look at me, I used to be beyond vain. I lost my entire identity through treatment. I lost a scary amount of weight, my hair, my eyebrows, my eyelashes. I have scars all over my body from treatment. Don’t get me wrong, I loved being fashionable and wearing wigs etc through chemo, because it made me feel happy. I love makeup and I’m a huge skincare junkie. But at the end of the day, what really matters is what kind of person you are, and how big your heart is. At age 28, I was the typical Miami girl. My instagram was all selfies, boat picture, and bikini photos. If you scrolled through my feed, EVERY single picture was of myself. I was basic. I wasn’t really adding any value to the world. Cancer helped me learn quickly. At the end of the day, your legacy is all that you will leave behind. What exactly is it that you’ll be leaving?

‘Til next time when my chemo brain gives me a break and I remember to post!


Your Lymphomie Homie