05 Apr, 16

Tuesday’s with Jessi 

I try to live as normal of a life as possible. So normal, that sometimes I completely forget that I have lymphoma. It’s 50% mental. I met an amazing girl on Instagram that follows my blog, she ended up living in Boston. My friend from Boston was visiting me, so I thought it would be perfect to have my friend deliver a small chemo care package to her before her first chemo session. As I was trying to write her a note, my neuropathy in my hands was so bad that I could barely write. To be honest, I couldn’t write at all. For the first time in awhile, it brought me to tears. I look completely normal, you would never guess that I have cancer, but I’m going through this battle that half of the world who doesn’t know me, wouldn’t even realize if they saw me on the street. Or even understand, for that matter. I let myself be sad for a few minutes then moved on. That’s what you have to do when you have cancer. You can let yourself be sad for a few minutes, then you put one foot in front of the other, handle it, and move on. There is really no other way in my opinion. Chemo sucks, I’m not going to downplay it. As I write this, I’m sitting in a chair, nauseous, attached to a machine that is administering me a bag full of chemo through a port in my chest. This is happening while all of my friends are at work. It’s the beginning of my quarter and there is no place that I would rather be than in the field doing my job as a rep. It sucks, but sometimes you have to turn lemons into lemonade. There is no point in sitting here and bitching about how horrible your symptoms are, especially with other people. I’m going to tell you that it’s the worst thing that you can do–to talk with other cancer patients and complain and contribute negative energy. It will only make your symptoms worse. Handle it, fight, and move on. It will be over before you know it.

Everyone is fighting a battle that we know nothing about. Everyone. I’ve been through a lot in the last few months, and I was really upset over someone complaining about having a specific skin condition. In my mind I was thinking, how can you even begin to compare this skin condition to cancer? If we rewind a few months back, the things that I complained about were so different than the things I complain about now, if I even complain at all..because at this point I’m just happy to be alive. Before Cancer, I think my biggest complaint was not having time after work to go get my nails done for my Vegas trip. God had another plan and decided to send my snotty ass to the ER instead, and give me a big wake up call that life is not all rainbows and butterflies. And I thank him every day that he did! Now my biggest complaint is not being able to write. Or not knowing if I’m going to be sick tomorrow after chemo. Or wanting to go back to work, but having to get more chemo cycles instead. I now think to myself how stupid it is that I was even upset with this person, because to him, having this skin condition IS a big deal, and I totally get it.

It’s also human nature to get mad over things that we know nothing about. And I still do it even with cancer, until I wake up and realize again, everyone is dealing with something that we know nothing about, including myself!  I was upset over the weekend because of a miscommunication with a friend. Miami is a sunny place for shady people, so the miscommunication caused me to jump to conclusions and be rude. Little did I know, that this person had something going on again..that I knew nothing about. Life is short, and way too short for miscommunications. Say what you mean and mean what you say, I need to do this as well. But the one positive thing that cancer has taught me is to chill and let sh*t go, and don’t dwell on it. That’s something that I have mastered. What happens, happens. Just keep moving forward. What’s meant to be will always be, and you should never have to chase people. Nothing can be forced..friendships, relationships, trying to fit in a pair of jeans that are a size too small..nothing! Before all of this, I used to care too much about everything. Now all I care about is being alive and being a good person. If I’m in the wrong I will apologize, but the right people who are meant to be in our lives will remain in them. 🙂

Find my book “Talk Cancer To Me” available at amazon here:

  1. Michelle Baumgarten says:

    My favorite midnight read.I want to come see you next time I’m in Miami. Your strength and words are so encouraging and makes me think about lots of things. Keep writing and I
    Will keep reading. Love you and stay
    Strong and beautiful.
    Michelle B

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