15 Apr, 16

Real chemo talk : trivial things

Trivial things. Before cancer, I used to care way too much. If someone didn’t like me, I cared. If someone had something negative to say about me, I cared. Now, if I cared about what every girl thought of me, I would never leave my condo! In my generation, a lot of women tend to feel threatened by other women. If someone is prettier than you, more intelligent than you, skinnier than you, more successful than you–they have something to say about you. I’m the opposite, props to all of you smart, successful, genuine, bad ass chicks out there! I aspire to be more like you, and I want you in my circle. Take a look at my social circle any day, it’s filled with all amazing women that I look up to, and only that. Lifting each other up, instead of bringing each other down. Women should empower each other, not hate and spread negative energy toward one another, that’s how one’s true insecurities are exposed. And I think cancer has helped me realize how important this is.

People may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel. Cancer teaches me this every single day. I remember after college, I was bullied by a group of former girlfriends, while visiting them in Boston. They didn’t like my lifestyle after moving to Miami, and I was in such shock at the things that they were saying to me, that all I could do is cry to my best friend Olivia, and Kristin who was also visiting. I couldn’t even form a sentence, while they were attacking me. They continued to bully me even after that, on social media. I don’t even remember what they said to me, I just remember how they made me feel. Cancer has taught me to take control and hold myself accountable. I can’t control other people’s actions or attitudes, but I can control mine and how I react. I want to be able to help others, and build them up. Granted, these girls have their own paths to take in life, but I want to be the exact opposite. I’ve been using social media to connect with other cancer fighters going through a similar journey, and it’s true, no one fights alone. I would like to think that I’ve helped a lot of girls on my journey, and that will be my legacy.

I’ve also had girls from Boston, that I went to college with, who I’ve never spoken two words to, gossip about me and say mean things, through out my journey, although they don’t personally know me. Try losing all of your hair and fighting for your life every day, and see if you can be as much of a bad ass as me and handle it. And handle it with grace and dignity. I bet you can’t. But that’s beside the point and you have to let the haters hate, that’s what separates you from them.

Cancer helps you not worry about trivial shit, mostly because you spend every day not knowing what is going to happen tomorrow, and you don’t let things bother you, because you take everything day by day, week by week. My biggest worry is whether or not I’m going to get a fever and end up in the ER with an infection. Whether or not my cancer is going to show up again on next week’s PET scan. Tomorrow isn’t promised for anyone, and chemo doesn’t kill patients, infection does. I don’t have time to worry about anything else. Every day is a battle, and although from my pictures, I look great, my battle is just as real as yours is. I just completed my 4th cycle of chemo. I thought this would be my last cycle, since I’m in remission, but I was wrong.  Thanks cancer, messing with me again! I need two more cycles and radiation. Keep in mind, my cycles aren’t just one day. They are four days in CTU. And also include getting blasted by chemo pills at night. But, I’m almost there. And I’m happy to even be alive. I can’t complain because I want the chemo to blast the crap out of me, so I never have to deal with this again. I get excited for chemo days. I’m one step closer to being able to live life normally again. So keep injecting me with that nasty creepy red chemo baby!

The days after chemo are the worst, and the best, because although it’s hell, it helps you realize a lot of shit during the process. Chemo really messes with you, mentally and physically. It’s killing everything inside of you. Not to mention when you become Neutropenic (which I am currently), you have to stay away from people to reduce the risk of infection. Sometimes that’s what messes with me the most, since I’m such a social person. I can’t even get outside to walk my dog in case someone sick is near me, so my mom had to take him home with her. But I refuse to let chemo kill my attitude. One day you’re up, the next day you’re down and sleeping all day, and can barely walk or eat. Not to mention barely type, write, and drop things left and right from neuropathy. This morning while walking into my living room, my legs went numb from my Neuropathy and I actually fell over. I sat on the ground for maybe a minute, got back up, and continued on with my day. I always fall after a few drinks anyways, so that’s nothing right? Lol!


But real talk, here’s the best part of chemo…the realizations that you have on your days of hell. I wouldn’t trade the nausea, the hot flashes, the neuropathy, the stomach pain, the hair loss, the anxiety, the uncertainty for anything. As messed up as it sounds, these things have made me ultimately stronger, more appreciative of life and the people that I have in it, and happier. I feel that God threw this at me to help me realize that I’m a fighter, and to help me realize that I have the most amazing people around me, and I’m so blessed to have these relationships, because not many people do. Especially in a fake city like Miami, I’ve managed to find the most genuine people ever. And this journey has helped me filter out toxic people in my life as well. Not to mention I’ve met SO many amazing people across the world through social media, fighting the same battle as me. Shout out to my new cancer friend Sabine, sending me links to bomb wigs lol. I’m telling you, we’re all looking for answers in life. Cancer helps you find every answer you’ve ever been looking for. Answers that I’ve been looking for my entire 29 years of life. Sometimes we get lost and in the process, we forget who we really are. God threw this at the right person, because if anyone can handle it, I can. If I can handle what I’ve been thrown over the last several months, while flirting with death at the beginning, I can handle absolutely anything. Just try me. Cancer has taught me how to actually live. And live without worrying about trivial crap. So thank you, Lymphoma. I’m already on my way to becoming a better person because of you.

Find my book “Talk Cancer To Me” available at amazon here:

  1. Carol says:

    Best wishes Jess we are rooting for you.

  2. Especially educational, look forth to returning

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