Just when we think we have everything figured out, the universe throws us unexpected curveballs. Just when we think we have our chemo regimen figured out and a week off of chemo, life throws us an unexpected curve ball. That’s the thing about chemo, you never know what’s going to happen next, just like life. Which is why I choose to still wear crop tops even though I’m 29, with my safety mask on, while walking my dog..kidding but seriously. Sorry mom, don’t tell me to remove the pic below because FACT..no one can rock cancer like I do. 😉 And although this feeling of not knowing what is next may seem negative, it helps you appreciate life so much more. In between these curveballs, you also experience little miracles. Which I have been experiencing constantly. This blog being number one. I’ve been able to reach so many people through this, and cancer has helped me realize that maybe this is my calling, to help other people on this crazy journey, while helping myself.
Overall, I’ve been very tired lately, I feel weak, and have been seeing bubbles in my eyes, but always try to push through. You will never hear me say that I’m tired, ever. Christina had to drag me out of Area 31 Sunday (sorry doc, I was Neutropenic and shouldn’t have been there anyways, my bad!) Because I feel that if I convince myself that I’m not exhausted, then I won’t be! Ha! But then again, I usually have a lot of energy, mostly from the Prednisone (thanks for the constant reminders, Mom. I thought it was just me not the Prednisone!) but today I just felt lifeless, like I could barely hold my dog’s leash (Shout out to Jonathon for being the best dog walker ever and taking care of Justin and the squad today!) I’m so lucky that I haven’t gotten a fever yet (knock on wood) and haven’t ended up in the ER, since about 50% of patients do.
Then my doctor came in the room and told me that I might have to get a blood transfusion Thursday, since my red blood cell count was at a dangerously low level. I immediately became nauseous, since I hate receiving blood for 4 hours, and have been lucky enough to only have had it done once during chemo. When you’re going through chemo and one minor set back happens, sometimes you get nervous. In my case, I sometimes overthink about the side effects of my chemo in general, but then snap back quickly when I think about how I’m even lucky to be alive right now after everything that I went through.
In between the annoying news, I always experience little miracles. As I was leaving the hospital, a rude woman walked directly into me, then started yelling at me. The old Jess would have told her to take a seat *miracle that I didn’t* but I just laughed because I’m going through Chemo and this B is going to yell at me for walking into her by mistake, poor woman! And more little miracles, through my Instagram and this blog, I was able to connect with SO many people who have been recently diagnosed with Lymphoma. One from Boston (my hometown), one from Florence, Italy (where I studied abroad), and one who ended up being my friend’s boyfriend’s cousin. What are the chances of that? It’s like although so many crazy things are going on, in between I’m experiencing so many miracles, and it’s a comforting feeling when you finally realize that it’s true..no one fights alone.
Yesterday, my friend Lorena came over to hang out with me. More little miracles. We were walking my dog, and ended up seeing a dolphin come so close to us in the same exact location that I saw it at on Saturday while walking with Dr. X (so strange). And it gets even weirder. Fireball has always been my shot of choice, and all of my friends make fun of me for it. While walking back to my apartment, Lorena and I saw a nip of fireball hanging by string from a tree. It was like a ray of light, God’s way of saying…don’t worry Jess, fireball is in your near future! Haha!
Every time I get some type of negative news, it’s like all of these other crazy little things happen that make me realize how beautiful life is, and how lucky we are to be here. Our situations can always be so much worse, and going through chemo helps you realize that. I look at people’s facebooks, complaining about ridiculous things, even people who are texting me complaining about even more bs, and I think about how lucky I am to have to go through all of THIS BS. It has ultimately made me into a stronger, more well rounded person. I laugh at all of the nonsense now, it could always be so much worse. There are little miracles everywhere, we just have to stop and look for them!
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